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Weapons of Mass Deception (Stock Number: 9-239u23u9u-UH0)
Are you in need of a major weapons system to intimidate aggressive neighbors? But what to pursue? Nuclear is hideously expensive and you've constantly got the UN underfoot asking awkward questions. Chemical is messy and difficult to deploy effectively in all weather. Biological is small and easier to conceal, but you have to explain the occasional accidental release. Who needs the hassle?
Wait! You don't need expensive development programs and international scrutiny; you need your neighbor to BELIEVE you have an ultimate weapon. You need our "Weapons of Mass Deception (WMD) Program".
For a fraction of the cost of a "real" weapons program, Tyrell can convince even the French that you are packin' nukes and eager to use 'em! Let our trained experts show you how a few aluminum tubes and misinformation to the dissident community can convince any foreign intelligence service that you have a centrifuge enriching uranium!
Every WMD Kit includes:
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Scripts for unconvincing denials
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Signs in English (for the convenience of Western journalists) reading "Baby Food Factory", "Only Aspirin Made Here", and "NOT A WEAPONS SITE"
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Names, phone numbers, and compromising photos for use in "persuading" key UN officials to "defend" you against "Western Imperial Aggression". This alone will convince everyone you have something to hide!
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"Dual use technology" items.
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Renegade Pakistani scientists (Russians available upon request, but allow another 2 weeks shipping time).
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Mysteriously dead livestock down-wind from your selected location to mimic an accidental weapons release.
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Tyrell "experts" to appear on talk shows with dire predictions of "regional instability" if your country "joins the nuclear club". Of course, our experts will advise "caution" and the need to "treat (insert country name) with the respect due a new nuclear power. Only through negotiation and continuing dialogue can we resolve this very tense situation."
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Applications for foreign aid to replace the "loss" of your weapons program with high quality aircraft and armor.
Testimonials:
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Tyrell made me the number one dictator 10 years running! Fidel was so ticked! Thanks to them, the entire Western World thinks I have nuclear weapons! I can't even figure out how to program my VCR! Thanks, Tyrell. (President Saddam Hussein, February 2003) |
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We will not tolerate interference in our internal
affairs by Western Crusaders! Our nuclear program is entirely
peaceful. We do not recognize the authority of Zionist
conspirators and their American lackeys.
How was that Mr. Tyrell? Do you think I was convincing enough? How do you turn off this spawn of Shaitan microphone?! |
Let Tyrell give you peace of mind through the threat of ultimate destruction!
